Wednesday, February 11, 2009

May I grieve?

At first, I was going to call this post "May I rant?", but realized that what was happening in my heart was more grief than rage.

It seems that at every turn, I am seeing more and more of my JCM classmates leaving the truth. There is a loss of holiness, loss of separation from the world and some seem to be even embracing "enlightenment and spiritualism". Now, while I could go down a side path on how enlightenment is anything but, I am going to try and stay on topic.

I think most of us at JCM probably had pretty much the same experience. The same teachers, classes, chapels, and opportunity to change. So, how does it happen that so many are walking away and I feel that because of my time at JCM, I will never walk away. I'm not doing very good at putting this feeling into words, but I feel like my heart weights 1000 pounds inside me. I remember in a class, during my freshman year, the teacher telling us that statistics said that a high percentage of us would eventually backslide. He encouraged us to make up our minds then that we would never consider giving up, no matter what. When he was talking to us, I thought in my head, "Well, that's not me. I don't care how high the percentage is, It's not me!" And it isn't nor will it ever be me. But, my question is, "What were the others thinking?" I know it was a moment that most of us remembered because we discussed it after class and just a couple of years ago it came up in a conversation with a friend from JCM. She is still in the truth and she said that she pretty much thought what I did.

Another friend recently ask me, "What happened? How is it that people I never thought would backslide have backslidden?" And to that, I can say, I truly wish I knew. Because if I knew, maybe I could be of more help. Admittedly, I am ashamed to say, I have a hard time knowing what to say to people who have spoken in tongues and felt the incredibly awesome Spirit of God and even studied the Bible for three years that turn away from it. People who have not tasted and seen the goodness of God, I can get that.

I realize that we have an adversary that strives daily to confuse and pollute our souls and minds. But how is it that so many who know the truth are deceived? Once I learned my colors, you would have a hard time convincing me that a red shirt is really blue. It seems that the same principle would apply.

So, here I am not knowing what to do (Yes, I am praying. I do know that much!) and just grieving in my heart. Even for people that weren't close friends. More so for people that were my friends. Ones that I spent weekends with and stayed up late talking to and studied together with and graduated with. And when we went our separate ways, I was sure was they were going to be doing great things because I knew how much time they spent in the prayer room. They were the friends that called me out when I missed too many mornings in the prayer room.

At this moment, I can imagine how the 11 disciples must have felt when Judas sold out Jesus. How they must have grieved and wondered if they could have changed things and questioned how they missed the clues and so do I.